Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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