if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
