Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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