I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
