Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
