Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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