I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
