I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
