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So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
