Tell her she can't have a vagina
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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