Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
