This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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