When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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