My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
