I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Operation Purity has been aborted
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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