dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
