Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize