walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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