I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
