I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
