Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
