Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
