The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize