i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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