i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
