Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
