Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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