My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
