I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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