i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
