Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
