They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
