I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
