I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
