Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
