how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize