I'm gonna have a badass scar
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
