I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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