I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
