What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
