8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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