i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
