There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
