Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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