tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
