he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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