I accidentally had phone sex last night
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
