apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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