made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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