I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm always down for nudity.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
