Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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