just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
