There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
