I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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