WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
