It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just found a bag of teeth...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize