If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
