i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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