I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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