he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
