I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize