Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
