Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize