If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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