and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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