I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
