that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
