I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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