You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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