You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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