my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
