Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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