Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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