Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize