my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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