What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
