I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
