Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize